admit it

ok, fine. I admit it. I am still in near-daily pain. it doesn't really subside after all this time, it just gets buried in the daily rush. if you bury emotions deep enough, you don't always have time to check and see how they're doing. so I compartmentalize. I try to forget.
  but literally anything can set me off. memories. the songs from back then. a cleverly turned phrase, lyric, or melody. I need time travel. I need a do-over. I need to wake up. I need to get back, somehow, someday, some way, to that night.
  I've got to get there alone with her, there on her front porch, and I need to do what I should have done that night. I need to kiss her.
  as the moment slipped away, I felt it. I felt time standing still and I realized what happened there would effect me, one way or another, for the rest of my life. I knew what needed to happen. why didn't I do it? why? why? what was I afraid of?
 what was I thinking?
 at least

 AT LEAST

 if everything had gone poorly from there on out, I wouldn't have to sit here forever and wonder 'what if'. but the worst part is, I'm not wondering 'what if'. I know what if. we were at a point of transition. she was, I was, and we could have been together. that was the time, if ever there was a time, to hold her, to kiss her, and to tell her I loved her. that moment of that night. that would have changed everything.

 instead I walked away. I botched it, I blew it, and it cant be fixed. 7 years ago and it still hurts. it would hurt every day, if I let it.

  everyone wonders why I'm single. well there you have it. I'm not over it. I may never be over it.

like a moth to flame

I was burned perhaps beyond repairing. why then do I ever return to the flame? because away from it the world is cold, and I suspect I shall never be warm.

seasons

In keeping with my general philosophy that life comes and goes in ebbs and flows, which I think it is fair to call ''seasons'', I suppose it bears noting once again that I stand at he cusp of another one in my life. This is the calm before the storm. I am about to weather my toughest challenge yet, and I can only say I always thought...and still wish... That a woman who loves me would come along and stand beside me. It appears that I must weather even this storm alone, even though it is bigger than any I have yet faced, and the consequences much farther reaching. I am truly all in. I'm  going for broke. And could wind up literally broke if this does not go well. I can only trust that God will bring the right people alongside me at the right time.

envy

so I was scrolling along on my facebook profile, and I noticed this picture. it's a guy I barely know, and a girl I barely know. they are both young, around 20 or so. a good deal younger than me at any rate. he is widely accepted as a 'stud' and she is young and beautiful. in the picture she is mounted on his shoulders, radiant wearing almost nothing at all (a bikini). he is shirtless because they are at the beach. they were just engaged you see. and I think the camera captured a moment where the two of them are both happier than I've ever been in my life.
  and yeah, I have to admit I envy them. not only that, I pretty much resent their happiness. they are living their lives the same way I tried to, the only difference is they were rewarded with everything they wanted while I've been spat to the fringes of everything. mostly lonely, because I'm mostly alone. worse, I see no way out to remedy this situation. such is my lot in life.

I needed that like a kick in the head

"in her were all the beautiful things his heart wanted to say, but couldn't find the words."

 you know situations are dire when you simply can't win, not even in your dreams. when even your dreams betray you what is even the point anymore

raise the bar?

one thing that is hard to bear in mind is the simple fact that nobody ever mentioned on this particular blog to date (obviously not by name... nobody is addressed by name) ... none of those people, whether old flame, new fling, or somewhere in between... none of them is actually the pinnacle of my relationship Everest.

 We must suppose that everyone of the opposite sex falls somewhere along the summit of this lofty, icy peak... a combination of desirable attributes, plus interpersonal compatibility with me personally, grants everyone a certain place here.

 Needless to say, those who I have been closer too, more compatible with, or who happens to be in possession of far superior attributes... these fall nearer the peak, and may have an entire post (or posts) dedicated to them.

 But there is one other. She has never had a blog about her for a very interesting reason:

 I really, truly gave up. I actually let it die.

 Generally if something actually effected me enough that I decided to write about it here, it's because some part of the hope, the memory, lies smoldering within and begs to be acknowledged, even if it's just by a stupid anonymous blog post.

 Not this one. This one was different because I knew I had reached too high. I accepted that she was better than me, beyond me. Her motivation was purer, her deeds more kind, her reputation more impeccable... and among her admirers I knew I was far from the most desirable.

 It can actually be said that even the most ardent of my subsequent loves, crushes, flings, and relationships have all been a direct result of the fact that I decided there was absolutely no way someone as impressive as her, with suitors so many and so much greater than me... I decided there was no way she could ever see herself with me.

 In short, I concluded she was out of my league, and moved on.

 So. Come to find out, maybe we aren't so different after all. It seems that with our powers combined, we could accomplish more of our mutual goals together than we ever could alone. And well... isnt that the foundation of a healthy relationship to begin with? The question is does she notice the similarities?

 Well ok that's oversimplifying. Even if she did notice the similarities, there's still the whole "and she needs to be attracted to me" bit. And the whole "she is currently in a long-distance relationship" bit. And the whole "she is either going to break it off with that guy eventually, or move away for good" bit. So obviously there are really a lot of complicating factors.

  But from what I can tell, my goals and hers are far more similar-- maybe identical, even. She does not share this other fellow's vision, and will go along with him out of loyalty or an altruistic sense of self-sacrifice. Not genuine one-ness of motivation.

  Anyway. This whole scenario leaves me much to dwell upon. Do I...could I...should I 'raise the bar' and stop considering her so high above me? Should I attempt to pursue someone of her caliber? Should I attempt to scuttle or butt in now, while she's still in this other relationship? or would it be more wise to stand back and see if it will run its course, only making any other intentions known if she does in fact come back into the 'single' playing field.

  Timing is everything. I need to know what to do, how to do it, and when. This poses a most difficult situation. Prayer necessary. My own, and hopefully those of people who support me. and her.

foresight

Well, what can I say? I guess the difficult thing is I saw this day approaching. Even then when we were children somehow I knew. My life has always been on the doorstep of greatness, and something, maybe destiny, was calling. I could hear it even then.

 The last thing I wanted was to face it alone. But I look around to my left and my right and realize having lost you, I am truly alone. Alone without remedy, it would seem.

 What's the difference if it's right or wrong? The heart desires what it wants regardless. I'll be frank:

I wish you were still here. I wish I could confide in you all the secret things I don't dare say to anyone else. I wish I could tell you my fears and my hopes. I wish you were here, believing in me. For you I can cross mountains and oceans-- and did, one might even say. I know I could do it still, if only you were here. But you are not. I must face this alone.

 It is going to be difficult. Honestly I don't know if I can. I don't know where to begin, and I don't even know who to tell so they can set me straight. Not only is failure possible, it could be that disaster is imminent.

 But if somehow I do succeed against all odds, I hope that somewhere you are watching. I hope you notice. I hope you are proud of me.

 I miss you.

 So much.

a letter to the past

Dearest...

 (yes, I'm still calling you dearest)

 I had an epiphany.

 there is so much going on right now. I am forging ahead, making advancements, gaining ground in ways I'd only dreamed of in life.

 In a moment of sentimental nostalgia I reminisced that I would no doubt trade all of this for one thing-- you. I would make that trade in a second.

  And then it hit me...

 the truth behind that very statement -- that I would trade everything for you-- may be the exact reason why i never had you to begin with. It may be that I have too much to do in life. Call it God, or fate, or destiny-- whatever you want to call it, the universe may have alotted me certain tasks that I most certainly would not fulfill nor even attempt if I had you.

 the thought inspires a certain amount of awe. truth be told, it also inspires a certain amount of fear... I tremble to think of the magnitude of what I am attempting to undertake. I dare not think of it all at once-- I must break it down into more manageable, day=by=day pieces, just to keep myself from losing my nerve entirely. 

 So onward. Ahead I forge. I wish, and shall probably always wish, that you were by my side.

 I'm glad you are happy. I do hope in your absence I will find some sort of companionship on the road ahead. And I hope at some level you are aware of this grand undertaking I've begun and are silently cheering for me. I wish you only happiness.

Wish me luck.

Icarus

like the legendary Greek figure of old, I flew too close to the sun. I haven't died, but I was severely burned. I fell back to earth, and never flew again. I fell somewhere near the poles, and whether arctic or antarctic the cold chilled my heart so that it would never beat again.
  Except for today, when the sun made it's regularly scheduled visit to the region. Today after it's cryo-genic pause, if anyone is listening they would have heard a single noise coming from my chest:

thump-thump.

 That is all. Back to frozen slumber I return. I know now, you see. the sun is off limits. I'll not chase it again.

Twin Flame

there is a lot of new age style philosophy flying around about the difference between a 'soul mate' and a 'twin flame'. a soul mate, it is said, is a kindred spirit that maybe was known from a previous life, that is placed in your path to help you along.

 A twin flame, though, is said to be the other half of a soul split apart at creation. if you meet your twin flame (as it is supposedly rare for both halves of the soul to occupy a body at the same time) it is a relationship like none other. rather than being marked with similarities, the relationship is noteworthy by the differences. instead of the 'good times' it is usually full of strife and 'bad times'. It is said that the soul splits in half, one half exploring life as best it can one way, and the other doing the complete opposite.

  this results in a powerful relationship if ever the two meet, one marked by serious conflict as the two halves seek to rectify their opposing approaches to life. it is said that one can have many 'soul mates', but only one 'twin flame'-- and not everyone has a 'twin flame'.

  all that to say, i think new age philosophy is a lot of hooey. but this is just romantic to think about. and it clearly reflects my own experience in some areas.  if there is such a thing as a 'twin flame', I met mine. I felt the quickening brought on by such a powerful opposing--yet irresistably attractive-- force.

  and after all is said and done, i still love her. nothing else has compared to what we shared ever since. it is almost hilarious to say this, because i dont know if we even so much as held hands-- and i know we never kissed. hugs were about as far as our relationship went physically, and I've *cough* gone a lot further than that since. one would think with enough physical stimulation the memory of such an emotional connection would be drowned out in a tsunami of pleasurable sensations, but no.

 I wish things were different. I wish I had succeeded in capturing her heart the way she captured mine. I wish even now that there was some way I could continue to move in that direction, but there is not. I can look back at specific moments, specific points in time when I knew, with her standing there in front of me, how significant she was to me... and how she was slipping away, and I couldnt stop it. It was like staring in the face of inevitability itself, and God knows I came down this road kicking and screaming, refusing to let her go without a fight.

 and now she's gone. the crazy thing is she's still right there, close enough to touch. if only this. if only that. if only things had gone the way they were supposed to. if only there were some way to set them the way i think they should be.

 but there is not. i understand that, and i have for some years now. i honestly don't know though, that i can love again. no one else compares. i may be destined for solitude based on that sole fact. no one compares. i can only truly be with someone who can make me feel like i've recovered what i lost. if this 'twin flame' stuff is true, though, then there is no such person. I'm not vowing myself to a life of solitude or anything of the kind, but it does appear likely that solitude will be the end result of my experiences. now that I know what a love like that is like, I don't think I can resign myself to something less. and I certainly don't know where to go for something equivalent, or I would have gone there a long time ago.