Twin Flame

there is a lot of new age style philosophy flying around about the difference between a 'soul mate' and a 'twin flame'. a soul mate, it is said, is a kindred spirit that maybe was known from a previous life, that is placed in your path to help you along.

 A twin flame, though, is said to be the other half of a soul split apart at creation. if you meet your twin flame (as it is supposedly rare for both halves of the soul to occupy a body at the same time) it is a relationship like none other. rather than being marked with similarities, the relationship is noteworthy by the differences. instead of the 'good times' it is usually full of strife and 'bad times'. It is said that the soul splits in half, one half exploring life as best it can one way, and the other doing the complete opposite.

  this results in a powerful relationship if ever the two meet, one marked by serious conflict as the two halves seek to rectify their opposing approaches to life. it is said that one can have many 'soul mates', but only one 'twin flame'-- and not everyone has a 'twin flame'.

  all that to say, i think new age philosophy is a lot of hooey. but this is just romantic to think about. and it clearly reflects my own experience in some areas.  if there is such a thing as a 'twin flame', I met mine. I felt the quickening brought on by such a powerful opposing--yet irresistably attractive-- force.

  and after all is said and done, i still love her. nothing else has compared to what we shared ever since. it is almost hilarious to say this, because i dont know if we even so much as held hands-- and i know we never kissed. hugs were about as far as our relationship went physically, and I've *cough* gone a lot further than that since. one would think with enough physical stimulation the memory of such an emotional connection would be drowned out in a tsunami of pleasurable sensations, but no.

 I wish things were different. I wish I had succeeded in capturing her heart the way she captured mine. I wish even now that there was some way I could continue to move in that direction, but there is not. I can look back at specific moments, specific points in time when I knew, with her standing there in front of me, how significant she was to me... and how she was slipping away, and I couldnt stop it. It was like staring in the face of inevitability itself, and God knows I came down this road kicking and screaming, refusing to let her go without a fight.

 and now she's gone. the crazy thing is she's still right there, close enough to touch. if only this. if only that. if only things had gone the way they were supposed to. if only there were some way to set them the way i think they should be.

 but there is not. i understand that, and i have for some years now. i honestly don't know though, that i can love again. no one else compares. i may be destined for solitude based on that sole fact. no one compares. i can only truly be with someone who can make me feel like i've recovered what i lost. if this 'twin flame' stuff is true, though, then there is no such person. I'm not vowing myself to a life of solitude or anything of the kind, but it does appear likely that solitude will be the end result of my experiences. now that I know what a love like that is like, I don't think I can resign myself to something less. and I certainly don't know where to go for something equivalent, or I would have gone there a long time ago.