a funny thing

fool me once shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me. after one 'love gone awry' situation it is amazing to me how gunshy i become about using the "L" word.

it's like if I don't ever use the word "love" in conjunction with someone, somehow that will make it easier when she inevitably betrays, disappoints, forgets, or otherwise lets me down.
I'll say things like "I care", or she and I are "close", or she "means a lot", etc. Because none of those are the "L" word. As if consciously tiptoeing around it somehow means it isn't there.

Well hindsight is 20/20. I suppose she has rejected me, forgotten me, and otherwise disappointed me... and I was never sure why that hurt as much as it did. After all, I kept the "L" word out of it!

But love is more than just a word, isn't it? Whether you are willing to say "I love you" or not... that doesn't change the facts. Moreover, it doesn't follow that because love is there either way, it should be said. There are plenty of circumstances where it is better left unsaid, I think, including mine. And if lying to oneself or playing word games is the only way to avoid blurting out unwanted or otherwise inopportune professions of love, perhaps it is best that one does the needful to avoid said faux pas.

So maybe it's a good thing I fooled myself for so long, because now it's essentially too late to say anything stupid. Now I'm looking back on it going

'heh. I guess I loved her, after all. how about that?'

I guess now the only remaining quagmire is my unfailing tendency to love someone who has an infinitely tiny chance of ever returning said love. No accounting for taste, eh? I don't suppose that I'm impossible to love, just that I'm never attracted to the person who loves me 'like that' to love them 'like that'.

and i guess I'll further concede that I'm pretty weird, so I don't imagine there's like droves and droves of women out there who would be like 'ooh i looove you' etc.

to put it bluntly, my options for dating are a lot more plentiful than my options for actual love, and I guess I'm getting to the age where I want less just 'dating' and something more long term. We all get there sooner or later I guess.

I guess I've been saying ' I guess ' a lot in this post. oh well.