a flutter

where does she come from? and where is she going? how is it that when I meet her, holding her attention is always my desire? and how is it that I fail so consistently?

I ... she ... whatever. it is far too soon to hope.

whatever

well what can I say? i never meant to be alone this long. with all that's going on I thought it fitting to see 'her' again, if only as a good luck token. given how that all turned out for me I'm not sure why I would see anything about interacting with her as 'lucky', but there you have it. So how long has it been. 9 years? 10 years? more?
  still one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, except now I guess she's a woman, not a girl. this time for the first time it didn't hurt to see her, not even a little bit. but looking at her now, I suppose it's laughable that I ever thought I had a chance in the first place.
  if this was the first time we'd met, I'd already have known she was 'out of my league', and that is surprising to me. I've done my fair share of 'testing the waters' to see exactly how strong my attracting power is when it comes to women, and she is not on my level.
  There may come a day-- that hypothetical, future day-- when I'm back in shape, in a position of power (or high regard...or something) when I am capable of wooing a woman like that. But I already know deep down that day is not today, or tomorrow.
  To an extent, I don't know if that day will ever come. I hate to use a cliche', but she has spoiled me for any woman I'll ever meet. part of me wishes she'd turned out ugly, or stupid, or mean, or all of the above. a terrible person. because then I'd be able to say 'dodged a bullet!' when contemplating how things didn't work out.
  but unfortunately for me, my suspicions about her were right. she turned out to be the opposite of all those things, and i'm left with nothing but the stark reality that i'm alone because of my own many shortcomings as a person. I read this little ditty today, thought I should post it here:

One day you're going to meet a girl, and ultimately, she's going to find out. How you chew, how you sip, how you dance and sing, how you smell at every point in the day. How you can be hyper at times, how certain games and shows make you really happy, how annoyed you can get when you're tired, how you think you look bad in all of your photos. She's going to know everything about you, every flaw, mistake. And you know what? She's going to love you anyway

  that to me is a beautiful sentiment. but having loved her that way and lost, i'm skeptical as to whether I can go that far out on a limb and love that way again, even if someone did it for me. not saying it's impossible, i'm just not sure. have to wait and see, i guess.

  but here i am once again on the precipice, suspended between success and disaster. i know that there is a part of me that goes forging boldly forward, if for no other reason than to convince her of one simple thing:

SHE

CHOSE

WRONG

if i can only convince her of that, maybe i can believe it someday too. 

progress?

well there you have it. i have successfully gotten rejection from christian women down to a fine science. what once took me 5 years i can now accomplish in 5 days. it's high time i admit (if i havent already) that i have no idea what they are looking for. i appear to be destined for singleness or a lot of relationships with secular women. for no apparent reason success with secular women is usually easy. it doesnt even seem like christian women are overly choosey, judging by the guys they wind up with. there's just something i don't seem to offer that they're looking for, but idk what it is.
  anyway, i also succeeded in further confirming my theory formulated in life experience that girls just dont like me when i'm nice. if i'm mean, i totally have a shot. if i'm nice, they write me off quicker than you can say 'lets just be frirends'. so you know, you can't go halfway. if you want to play the jerk you have to play it to the hilt, because one chink in the armor and it can all come crashing down. so since i sort of accidentally started it off playing the nice guy i wa slike you know what, screw everything life has taught me so far. let me be so darn nice, so darn sincere, and so darn genuine that nobody could ever say i could have been any nicer, sincerer, or genuine-r. i spoke right from my little-ol heart the entire time, and this turned out to be the secret to getting the 'five years' down to 'five days'.

I guess it is possible to lie to ourselves

 I guess we only can be sure about what matters to when we dream

 The subconscious doesn't understand social setting, ego, or obligation. all it understands is ... something hurts. so it spills out its version of what should have happened while we sleep, only to awaken and find that maybe we cared about it after all. dreams always lie about the future, but they are always reliable in one aspect: they only lie about things we truly care about.

 So when we have a dream that lies about the past, or fibs about the future, we can know for a fact that somewhere deep down, this fiction matters to us. Otherwise the subconscious mind would choose different subject matter for its nightly ranting.

 Having said that, I've pretty much been stabbed in the face by reality today. I'm going to post for you an excerpt from a girl (who will remain anonymous) gushing about her boyfriend. Take a look at this:

"This boy has shown me what it means to truly love and follow The Lord. He's shown me what it means to make my faith my own and pour myself out for The Lord and follow his will. His kindness and loving spirit warm my heart everyday."

 I have long wondered what it is that Christian girls are looking for. Is it wit? well cmon then, I'm funny. looks? i aint ugly. brains? ...don't mean to brag, but i've scored in the top 4% on standardized tests. that's almost Mensa-worthy. (in case you dont know, Mensa is the international club for bonafide geniuses, which you have to score in the top 3% on standardized tests to join). Is it strength? I've been strong. I bench pressed over 200 lbs, and could get in that kind of shape again if I thought it would help. I go to church. I know my Bible. I have a plethora of tough guy, smart guy, Christian-guy credentials.

  But what if that above quote is actually what they're looking for? I don't think I would say any of those things about MYSELF, much less inspire anyone else to say them about me. Do I know what it means to 'truly love and follow the Lord'?  All I'd lay claim to is that I try. I wouldn't even say 'I do my best' because I'm convinced that I suck so bad at it I could do better. What about the whole 'pour myself out for the Lord and follow his will' bit?
 I can only think of 1 time where I 'poured myself out', ostensibly for the Lord, and really it went badly. There was a period in life where I strived to do just that and honestly it turned out soooo awful I no longer aspire to that. I'm gunshy. I have this rational-Christianity mentality that basically just says 'Gods will is for me to do what makes sense' and then decide what makes sense.
  somehow i dont think this is the kind of inspiring leadership Christian women are looking for.

 Honestly if that's the standard I have to meet, I guess it's no wonder I'm single. I won't have a 'non christian' girl, but no Christian girl would have me if that's what she's looking for. so when it comes to relationships... I am at an impasse.

  i'm not even going to touch the bit about 'kindness and loving spirit'. i can be nice. and i can be loving. but daggone it if i can warm anybody's heart. whenever i try to truly act from the heart apparently it just comes out 'creepy' instead. that's me. ol' creepy-heart. 

  needless to say this has not been the best day of my life.

well there you have it

 and another one bites the dust.  somewhere in the back of the subconscious mind lingers the idea that, in opportunities past, we would not squander them or waste time if we had to do it over again. as if to crucify that notion in my mind, i think it bears noting that every girl i have ever been with, seriously dated, or considered seriously dating, is currently engaged, married, or living on another continent. it's as if life conspired to say emphatically, 'you dont get do-overs.'
 So yay, good for you life. you made your point. now shutup.

So here we are

Take a step back and look around. where am i? well i'm in the dregs of defeat. so far i have either failed or quit every single thing i've attempted in life. i've learned things. but a fat lot of good that's going to do me if something doesn't change.
 i need to reboot, recharge, recover. when a computer shuts down, it comes back up free of the clutter that was slowing it down before. it's no secret that I've been in the doldrums for 3 years, intentionally pursuing nothing of great import. am i going to seize upon this down time as an opportunity to strip away clutter and actually do something i'm passionate about?

 a wise man once said 'you cant duck forever'.

on second thought

well maybe i misread this whole thing. maybe i'm in a bad habit of interpreting every obstacle now as a 'get ye hence' instead of 'put forth ye effort'.

 can you blame me though? a person who doesn't learn from experience is just dumb, in my opinion. so i'd love to believe that past experience is all a fluke and that next time, with maximum effort, things will all just fall into place.

 but, that just seems silly to me. i lean a lot upon my own understanding of past experiences and i suppose that is a bad thing.

 so, what the heck. let's give this a shot. for now, Giant Despair, i banish thee. hopefully forever. but haha. we'll see.

 Did I do the right thing, friend? Did I do the right thing, mentor? Did I do the right thing, Dad?

 DID I DO THE RIGHT THING, GOD???

 Why.

 I take the high road. I do the 'decent thing'. I forego the pursuit of what I want. I sacrifice my desires for higher ideals like friendship and brotherhood. I sacrifice my time. I OFFERED MY LIFE, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.

 "As ye sow, ye also shall reap."

 I know in my life I have sown plenty of bad. Does it count if I had good intentions? DOES IT EVEN MATTER THAT I TRIED?

 I want, I need some kind of confirmation that at least, in the end, I was right. I did right. I acted rightly. That there is a greater purpose and this is not all for nothing.

 I know that God is God and He owes me nothing. But He owes all of us nothing. Some people get answers. Some people get understanding. Years pass, but sometimes there is that 'aha!' moment where people understand what it all meant.

 I'm not saying I'm owed it, but I am saying I need it. I scarcely know how to go on without it.