progress?

well there you have it. i have successfully gotten rejection from christian women down to a fine science. what once took me 5 years i can now accomplish in 5 days. it's high time i admit (if i havent already) that i have no idea what they are looking for. i appear to be destined for singleness or a lot of relationships with secular women. for no apparent reason success with secular women is usually easy. it doesnt even seem like christian women are overly choosey, judging by the guys they wind up with. there's just something i don't seem to offer that they're looking for, but idk what it is.
  anyway, i also succeeded in further confirming my theory formulated in life experience that girls just dont like me when i'm nice. if i'm mean, i totally have a shot. if i'm nice, they write me off quicker than you can say 'lets just be frirends'. so you know, you can't go halfway. if you want to play the jerk you have to play it to the hilt, because one chink in the armor and it can all come crashing down. so since i sort of accidentally started it off playing the nice guy i wa slike you know what, screw everything life has taught me so far. let me be so darn nice, so darn sincere, and so darn genuine that nobody could ever say i could have been any nicer, sincerer, or genuine-r. i spoke right from my little-ol heart the entire time, and this turned out to be the secret to getting the 'five years' down to 'five days'.

I guess it is possible to lie to ourselves

 I guess we only can be sure about what matters to when we dream

 The subconscious doesn't understand social setting, ego, or obligation. all it understands is ... something hurts. so it spills out its version of what should have happened while we sleep, only to awaken and find that maybe we cared about it after all. dreams always lie about the future, but they are always reliable in one aspect: they only lie about things we truly care about.

 So when we have a dream that lies about the past, or fibs about the future, we can know for a fact that somewhere deep down, this fiction matters to us. Otherwise the subconscious mind would choose different subject matter for its nightly ranting.

 Having said that, I've pretty much been stabbed in the face by reality today. I'm going to post for you an excerpt from a girl (who will remain anonymous) gushing about her boyfriend. Take a look at this:

"This boy has shown me what it means to truly love and follow The Lord. He's shown me what it means to make my faith my own and pour myself out for The Lord and follow his will. His kindness and loving spirit warm my heart everyday."

 I have long wondered what it is that Christian girls are looking for. Is it wit? well cmon then, I'm funny. looks? i aint ugly. brains? ...don't mean to brag, but i've scored in the top 4% on standardized tests. that's almost Mensa-worthy. (in case you dont know, Mensa is the international club for bonafide geniuses, which you have to score in the top 3% on standardized tests to join). Is it strength? I've been strong. I bench pressed over 200 lbs, and could get in that kind of shape again if I thought it would help. I go to church. I know my Bible. I have a plethora of tough guy, smart guy, Christian-guy credentials.

  But what if that above quote is actually what they're looking for? I don't think I would say any of those things about MYSELF, much less inspire anyone else to say them about me. Do I know what it means to 'truly love and follow the Lord'?  All I'd lay claim to is that I try. I wouldn't even say 'I do my best' because I'm convinced that I suck so bad at it I could do better. What about the whole 'pour myself out for the Lord and follow his will' bit?
 I can only think of 1 time where I 'poured myself out', ostensibly for the Lord, and really it went badly. There was a period in life where I strived to do just that and honestly it turned out soooo awful I no longer aspire to that. I'm gunshy. I have this rational-Christianity mentality that basically just says 'Gods will is for me to do what makes sense' and then decide what makes sense.
  somehow i dont think this is the kind of inspiring leadership Christian women are looking for.

 Honestly if that's the standard I have to meet, I guess it's no wonder I'm single. I won't have a 'non christian' girl, but no Christian girl would have me if that's what she's looking for. so when it comes to relationships... I am at an impasse.

  i'm not even going to touch the bit about 'kindness and loving spirit'. i can be nice. and i can be loving. but daggone it if i can warm anybody's heart. whenever i try to truly act from the heart apparently it just comes out 'creepy' instead. that's me. ol' creepy-heart. 

  needless to say this has not been the best day of my life.