admit it

ok, fine. I admit it. I am still in near-daily pain. it doesn't really subside after all this time, it just gets buried in the daily rush. if you bury emotions deep enough, you don't always have time to check and see how they're doing. so I compartmentalize. I try to forget.
  but literally anything can set me off. memories. the songs from back then. a cleverly turned phrase, lyric, or melody. I need time travel. I need a do-over. I need to wake up. I need to get back, somehow, someday, some way, to that night.
  I've got to get there alone with her, there on her front porch, and I need to do what I should have done that night. I need to kiss her.
  as the moment slipped away, I felt it. I felt time standing still and I realized what happened there would effect me, one way or another, for the rest of my life. I knew what needed to happen. why didn't I do it? why? why? what was I afraid of?
 what was I thinking?
 at least

 AT LEAST

 if everything had gone poorly from there on out, I wouldn't have to sit here forever and wonder 'what if'. but the worst part is, I'm not wondering 'what if'. I know what if. we were at a point of transition. she was, I was, and we could have been together. that was the time, if ever there was a time, to hold her, to kiss her, and to tell her I loved her. that moment of that night. that would have changed everything.

 instead I walked away. I botched it, I blew it, and it cant be fixed. 7 years ago and it still hurts. it would hurt every day, if I let it.

  everyone wonders why I'm single. well there you have it. I'm not over it. I may never be over it.

like a moth to flame

I was burned perhaps beyond repairing. why then do I ever return to the flame? because away from it the world is cold, and I suspect I shall never be warm.