where does she come from? and where is she going? how is it that when I meet her, holding her attention is always my desire? and how is it that I fail so consistently?
I ... she ... whatever. it is far too soon to hope.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
whatever
well what can I say? i never meant to be alone this long. with all that's going on I thought it fitting to see 'her' again, if only as a good luck token. given how that all turned out for me I'm not sure why I would see anything about interacting with her as 'lucky', but there you have it. So how long has it been. 9 years? 10 years? more?
still one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, except now I guess she's a woman, not a girl. this time for the first time it didn't hurt to see her, not even a little bit. but looking at her now, I suppose it's laughable that I ever thought I had a chance in the first place.
if this was the first time we'd met, I'd already have known she was 'out of my league', and that is surprising to me. I've done my fair share of 'testing the waters' to see exactly how strong my attracting power is when it comes to women, and she is not on my level.
There may come a day-- that hypothetical, future day-- when I'm back in shape, in a position of power (or high regard...or something) when I am capable of wooing a woman like that. But I already know deep down that day is not today, or tomorrow.
To an extent, I don't know if that day will ever come. I hate to use a cliche', but she has spoiled me for any woman I'll ever meet. part of me wishes she'd turned out ugly, or stupid, or mean, or all of the above. a terrible person. because then I'd be able to say 'dodged a bullet!' when contemplating how things didn't work out.
but unfortunately for me, my suspicions about her were right. she turned out to be the opposite of all those things, and i'm left with nothing but the stark reality that i'm alone because of my own many shortcomings as a person. I read this little ditty today, thought I should post it here:
One day you're going to meet a girl, and ultimately, she's going to find out. How you chew, how you sip, how you dance and sing, how you smell at every point in the day. How you can be hyper at times, how certain games and shows make you really happy, how annoyed you can get when you're tired, how you think you look bad in all of your photos. She's going to know everything about you, every flaw, mistake. And you know what? She's going to love you anyway
that to me is a beautiful sentiment. but having loved her that way and lost, i'm skeptical as to whether I can go that far out on a limb and love that way again, even if someone did it for me. not saying it's impossible, i'm just not sure. have to wait and see, i guess.
but here i am once again on the precipice, suspended between success and disaster. i know that there is a part of me that goes forging boldly forward, if for no other reason than to convince her of one simple thing:
SHE
CHOSE
WRONG
if i can only convince her of that, maybe i can believe it someday too.
still one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, except now I guess she's a woman, not a girl. this time for the first time it didn't hurt to see her, not even a little bit. but looking at her now, I suppose it's laughable that I ever thought I had a chance in the first place.
if this was the first time we'd met, I'd already have known she was 'out of my league', and that is surprising to me. I've done my fair share of 'testing the waters' to see exactly how strong my attracting power is when it comes to women, and she is not on my level.
There may come a day-- that hypothetical, future day-- when I'm back in shape, in a position of power (or high regard...or something) when I am capable of wooing a woman like that. But I already know deep down that day is not today, or tomorrow.
To an extent, I don't know if that day will ever come. I hate to use a cliche', but she has spoiled me for any woman I'll ever meet. part of me wishes she'd turned out ugly, or stupid, or mean, or all of the above. a terrible person. because then I'd be able to say 'dodged a bullet!' when contemplating how things didn't work out.
but unfortunately for me, my suspicions about her were right. she turned out to be the opposite of all those things, and i'm left with nothing but the stark reality that i'm alone because of my own many shortcomings as a person. I read this little ditty today, thought I should post it here:
One day you're going to meet a girl, and ultimately, she's going to find out. How you chew, how you sip, how you dance and sing, how you smell at every point in the day. How you can be hyper at times, how certain games and shows make you really happy, how annoyed you can get when you're tired, how you think you look bad in all of your photos. She's going to know everything about you, every flaw, mistake. And you know what? She's going to love you anyway
that to me is a beautiful sentiment. but having loved her that way and lost, i'm skeptical as to whether I can go that far out on a limb and love that way again, even if someone did it for me. not saying it's impossible, i'm just not sure. have to wait and see, i guess.
but here i am once again on the precipice, suspended between success and disaster. i know that there is a part of me that goes forging boldly forward, if for no other reason than to convince her of one simple thing:
SHE
CHOSE
WRONG
if i can only convince her of that, maybe i can believe it someday too.
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